Letter Adventures
by Khorale
Summary: Watch as Voldie juggle the responsibilities of death eaters, letters, and visits from the author all at once! slight Voldie OOC. NOW COMPLETE!
1. Draco luvs Hermione!

**Title: **Letter adventures

**Author: **Khorale

**Genre: **Humor & Adventure

**Character(s): **Voldemort, Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy

**Pairings:** Draco/Hermione

**Reviews: **0/71

**Words: **129

**Summery: **Watch as Voldie juggle the responsibilities of death eaters, letters, and visits from the author all at once!

**Author's note: **Hiya people! Welcome to the sequel of Just ask Voldie! This will be almost the same as the last story but, I added more plot here! So... expect more chapters like that epilogue!

* * *

><p>Dear the Dark Lord,<p>

Just wondering, and it's not like it's true, but what if one of your death eaters kind of, possibly, maybe fell in love with a muggleborn with brown hair, good grades, and a nice smile who spends time at the library a lot and happens to be a Gryffindor who hangs out with Potter and Weasel? Not that it's true...it's just a what if question, my lord...

-Draco Malfoy

* * *

><p><em>Dear Draco Malfoy<em>

_NO! Please don't tell me that's true?_

_..._

_Okay, Now that I know... CRUCIO!_

_-Dark lord Voldemort (who does NOT allow death eaters to love mudbloods)_


	2. A letter from da author!

**Title: **Letter adventures

**Author: **Khorale

**Chapter: **2**  
><strong>

**Rating:** K+

**Genre: **Humor & Adventure

**Character(s): **Voldemort, Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy

**Pairings:** Draco/Hermione

**Reviews: **4/74

**Words: **160

**Summery: **Watch as Voldie juggle the responsibilities of death eaters, letters, and visits from the author all at once! Slight Voldie OOC (out of character)

**Author's note:** Hi here! I decided to write Voldie a letter! I know this is just a letter but soon, I would actually visit him in a chapter. Have patience!

* * *

><p>Dear Voldie<p>

What's your theory on Harry Potter's survival of the killing curse? Is it love... or something else?

Khorale

* * *

><p><em>Dear Khorale<em>

_Love? Forget anything the old coot says! The power that I knew not is DEFINITELY NOT LOVE! Love is not a power, what's Potter gonna do, kiss me to death (Actually, that would make me puke to death... maybe that's what Dumbledore meant)_

...

_That was an idea, I'll tell my death eaters to experiment that method to torture prisoners! It'll work even better than a cruciatus curse!_

_Whaddaya know, we learn something new every day!_

_-Voldie_

_PS It's an honor for the author to write to me! (not that I dare say anything else, or she'd humiliate me in the next letter)  
><em>


	3. Recuitment letters

**Title: **Letter adventures

**Author: **Khorale

**Chapter: **3**  
><strong>

**Rating:** K+

**Genre: **Humor & Adventure

**Character(s): **Voldie, Roxygirl2456

**Pairings:** none at the moment

**Reviews: **6/74

**Words: **45

**Summery: **Watch as Voldie juggle the responsibilities of death eaters, letters, and visits from the author all at once! Slight Voldie OOC (out of character)

**Author's note: **Nothing much, just so you know the next chapter might take a while.**  
><strong>

* * *

><p>Dear Tom,<p>

Does the dark side have puppys?

From:

Roxygirl2456

* * *

><p><em>Dear Roxygirl2456<em>

_Nah... too messy. Though if you're interested, we have wands, crucios, and cookies! (all dark sides do!)_

_-Lord Voldie  
><em>


	4. Recuitment replies

**Title: **Letter adventures

**Author: **Khorale

**Chapter: **4, recuitment replies**  
><strong>

**Rating:** K+

**Genre: **Humor & Adventure

**Character(s): **Voldie, swimpro737, anti-potter cookies, Harry, Snape (rant), Dumbledore (rant), Filch (rant), Mrs Norris (rant, Professor Mcgonagal (rant), Ginny (rant), Ron (rant), alien (rant), random werewolf (rant), random basilisk (rant),

**Pairings:** none at the moment

**Reviews: **9/77

**Words: **645

**Summery: **Watch as Voldie juggle the responsibilities of death eaters, letters, and visits from the author all at once! Slight Voldie OOC (out of character)

**Author's note:** I'm sorry for those in waiting for their letters, but this time, the letters are not in order from who sent it first, it concerns the plot, which is about 20%. That includes author visits, the connection between each letters, and som Nagini fun!

* * *

><p>Dear Voldemort,<p>

Hi! I'm your biggest fan! Can I be a death eater! I know how to make anti-potter cookies! Also I have a question, why not make your horcruxes erasers? Or a cookie and then have Harry eat it? That's all the questions I have!

Stay awesome!-Swimpro737

* * *

><p><em>Dear swimpro737<em>

_Sure sure you can join... anti-potter cookies, really? _

_*Start rant* (you can skip this part)_

_Will he explode when he eat it? Will he choke when he eat it? Will it explode and kill him? Will it explode, then choke him? Will it poison him? Will it burn him from the inside? Will it turn him inside out? Will it poison him, turn him inside out and then explode? Will it mimic the effect of crucio? Will it freeze his brain? Will it mimic the effect of Avada Kedavera? Will it do something embarrasing to him to make him commit suicide? Will it turn into Draco Malfoy and then kill him with a bloody knife? Will it dance and then trample him? Will it suddenly gain life and murder him somehow? Will it stabb him repeatedly until he bleeds to deat? Will it stick him into a plate and then eat him? Will it tourture him until he kills himself? Is it the treasure of a long lost kingdom so when he eats it they will seek vegence and do voodo magic and then he dies mysteriously? Will it feed him bad food and watch him dance while on fire and then explode? Will it turn into a death eater and drag him into another universe and take him to the main villan and then he/she/they/it kills him?_ _Will it make his head hurt so much that his brain explodes? Will it turn into Snape and grease him to death? WIll it be lemon drop flavored so Dumbledore tramples him to get to it? Will it be catnip flavored so Mrs Norris and Professor Mcgonagall tramples him to get to it? Will it dirty the hallway so Filch can kill him? Will it become his dark mark so Fawks can kill him? Will it posess him and ask Ginny out so Ron can kill him? Will it become my new horcruxs so when he eats it - it will kill him? Will it posess anyone who eats it to kill him? Will it turn into a philosopher stone and when he grabbs it spikes will shoot out and kill him? Will it hide in the hospital wing so when he's alone it will kill him slowly? Will it transform into a basilisk and kill him? Will it turn into a werewolf and kill him? Will it breathe fire and bake him alive and then fly up into the air and turn into an alien and say "Prepear to die!" and shoot him with a lazer beam? Will it transform into a very pretty girl and seduce him and after they married she/it kill him? Will it bring him to me so I can kill him? Will he become insane when he eat it? Will it do everything listed above and then kill him in a very strange way?  
><em>

_*End rant*_

_As you can see, I can get a HUGE imagination of how to kill that boy-who-bloody-REFUSED-to-die! I have thousands more of those ideas but they're even more ridiculus ways that would NEVER work, like shooting Potter with a water gun laced with poison, or something._

_As for your question... well it was in the rant somewhere... nevermind..._

_-Awsome dark lord Voldemort! =)  
><em>


	5. Horrible discoveries

**Title: **Letter adventures

**Author: **Khorale

**Chapter: **5, horrible discoveries**  
><strong>

**Rating:** K+

**Genre: **Humor & Adventure

**Character(s): **a random death eater, voldie

**Pairings:** none at the moment

**Reviews: **10/77

**Words: **210

**Summery: **Watch as Voldie juggle the responsibilities of death eaters, letters, and visits from the author all at once! Slight Voldie OOC (out of character)

**Author's note:** Next time a letter from our dear little critter: Nagini!

* * *

><p>Dearest Dark Lord,<p>

I'm here to inform you of this horrid thing called 'fanfiction'

It's something the muggles have created documenting and corrupting the story of you, my lord. They create these evil things called 'fanfics' and in some of the really dreadful ones have you turn GOOD, my lord! Disgustingly terrible right? Those muggle deserved to be punished for being disloyal to you, my lord! For I will always be faithful to you and crucio all those who deny your power! They ar nothing more than filth on our shoes, muggles!

My lord, if wish to see some of this awful 'fanfiction', I will warn you in advance of the terrors you may read!

Always faithful to you,

A Loyal Death Eater, Slyther-Claw

Ps. You will have to touch one of these horribe things called 'kumruputers' or something of the sort.

* * *

><p><em>Dear slyter-claw<em>

_WHAT? I will personally see to this immediately. Bring them to me and I shall punish them! (all of them except Khorale, since she's my author and if I do anything to her... I don't want to think about it)_

_-Dark lord Voldemort_


	6. Nagini's betrayal

Voldemort sat down on his desk and sighed.

"I REALLY need a vacation." he grunted tiredly as another flock of owls swooped down and dropped a dozen of letters into his lap.

It's not like he wanted to hunt Potter anyways, but the brat kept throwing himself into the midst of his delicate plans! He's always like, _'Stay back! Voldemort's after me so I must sacrifice myself to save us all!'_ Seriously. That brat is too heroic for his own good.

Hell, if possible, he could just end the damn war right now! The only things standing in his way are Potter and his own pride.

Voldie warily opened a cream coloured envelope with the parseltongue version of his name written messily on the front. _Nagini..._ He took a deep breath and started to read.

* * *

><p><span>Dear Former massster<span>

My new massstersss have treated me well, unlike sssomeone I know of. I, being a good sssnake, have told them everything I knew, with that Potter boy asss a transsslation. Ssso expect Aurorsss arriving in... 

_(Voldemort glanced at an alarm clock taped on. Tic Toc Tic Toc Tic...)_

BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

...Now! _(words magically appeared on the bottom of the page)_

luv Nagini

* * *

><p>The silence of the day was shattered by the wards crumbling. Spells are shouted, death eaters are portkeying away, and Nagini could be seen with a smug smile on her face.<p>

"I will not forget this." Voldemort hissed as he apperated away. But not fast enough not to hear:

_"Ssso wheresss the mice you promisssed me?"_

* * *

><p><em>Dear Nagini<em>

_DIE! AVADA KEDAVERA!_

_-Lord Voldemort  
><em>


	7. Bunnies!

**Title: **Letter adventures

**Author: **Khorale

**Chapter:** 7, Bunnies!**  
><strong>

**Rating:** K+

**Genre: **Humor & Adventure

**Character(s): **Voldemort, somebody

**Pairings:** none at the moment

**Reviews: **13/81

**Words: **128

**Disclaimer: **If I own Harry Potter, I'd be RICH!

**Summery: **Watch as Voldie juggle the responsibilities of death eaters, letters, and visits from the author all at once! Slight Voldie OOC (out of character)

**Author's note:** yo! Sorry for the late update! Yesterday and today I couldn't get on Fanfiction net no matter WHAT I tried. It was very annoying.

* * *

><p>Dear Voldie-moldy<p>

You seem pretty good at giving advice so here goes.

My best mate is a werewolf and his girlfriend just broke-up with him, because of this he has refused to drink the wolfsbane potion and insists on walking around as a wild wolf.

Do you know what he is like as a wild wolf!

He goes around killing bunnies(Gasp).

Bunnies, sweet and innocent bunnies that are cute and fluffy and innocent. You have to help me I mean think about the bunnies (over-dramaticly said)

From I-am-not-telling-you-my-name-stalker

P.S Bunnies!

* * *

><p><em>Dear I-am-not-telling-you-my-name-stalker<em>

_Use a gun. Though Avada Kedavera would do better._

_-Voldemort_


	8. Dance

**Title: **Letter adventures

**Author: **Khorale

**Chapter:** 8, dance**  
><strong>

**Rating:** K+

**Genre: **Humor & Adventure

**Character(s): **Voldemort, somebody

**Pairings:** none at the moment

**Reviews: **14/81

**Words: **128

**Disclaimer: **If I own Harry Potter, I'd give Harry some special powers.

**Summery: **Watch as Voldie juggle the responsibilities of death eaters, letters, and visits from the author all at once! Slight Voldie OOC

**Author's note:** Next chapter: I go for a visit to Hogwarts! Isn't that exciting?

* * *

><p>Dear Voldemort,<p>

Are you depressed because you haven't danced lately? I mean, the last time I remember hearing about you dance was after you were revived...

From, obsessivegirl73

P.S. Did you ever give Draco his rocketship?

P.P.S. Did you go to Pigfarts instead of Hogwarts?

* * *

><p><em>Dear obsessivegirl73<em>

_Who told you that? All my death eaters have sworn not to tell!_

...

_Potter... (insert creepy background music here)_

_PS No, gave that blond ferret a crucio for muggle technology loving_

_PPS No, I did go to Hogwarts!_


	9. My VIsit

**Well hellooooooo here! I apoligize for the late update and the possible spelling mistakes in here, but I read more fanfic than write them (sweatdrop)**

**I'm travelling into the Harry Potter canon universe in 3... 2... 1... Here I gooooooooooo...**

* * *

><p>It was a beautiful day outside. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, Voldie's in a bad mood again...<p>

Yeah, things were perfect.

I stepped out a swirling portal and looked around. Hmm, I'm in Hogwarts. Maybe I would help Voldie kill Harry? Nah... he's lame. Too heroic and nice for me to consider... that.

In front of me were a group of girls, giggling as they each sported a shirt reading 'MEMBER OF THE RESIDENT HARRY POTTER FANCLUB!'

...

...

...

ew.

I blanched and ran toward the doors of the castle. I knocked loudly and Dumbledore opened the door, eyes twinkling madly. I hate the twinkle, it's like he got hit by a strange spell or something.

"I see you have made it, miss Khorale."

I shrugged. "I hope I'm on time for the sorting." I hope it's not slythrin, I have heard that Draco Malfoy cuddles a ferret plushie **(1)** in his sleep!

* * *

><p>(1) In the epilogue of 'just ask Voldie', Fred, George and Harry launched a massive prank in Voldie's hideout. One of the prank is stuffing Draco's room with those plushies.<p>

* * *

><p>I appeared in the great hall in a swirl of wind. That raised a few eyebrows but they ignored me. Heh, the priviledge of being an author.<p>

I put on the sorting hat and waited.

_Hmm.. intresting. An honor to meet you, miss Khorale._

'Khorale is just a pen name, but I don't care. Sort me.'

_Alright. You are very loyal, you are cunning, you are most certainly NOT a coward, and you are very intelligent. You fit in all the houses. So you get to choose._

'Uh, Ravenclaw sounds nice, it's a neutral house and people won't look down on me. I also liked to read stuff, even if it's just fanfics.'

_Okay then, you are in _"RAVENCLAW!"

Other people clapped and I walked out of Hogwarts using a portal. I rematerialized inside Voldie's studio.

"Hey Voldie, what's up" Voldie jumped.

"Author!" he raged. "Can you do something about all this paperwork? I'm a dark lord dammit! I do not sit and do paperwork-"

I just shrugged and snapped my fingers. "There. All gone and stop your whining."

Voldie sagged down on his chair. "What's wrong with you?" I asked, curious.

"Potter is feeling all this positive emotions! It's giving me a headache!"

I blinked. It seems that Harry's scar worked both ways. "Alright, I'll make Harry's day miserable and in turn you let him off the hook on destroying your horcruxes in the future."

Voldie looked horrified, "He's going do destroy my precious treasures?"

"I'm your author, I know the future!" I cackled manically and disappeared.

I stepped outside the Ravenclaw tower. "Miss Khorale, you may enter." the eagle door knocker said. Another perk at being an author!

Luna walked up to me. "Hello." she said, dreamy as usual.

"Hi. I'm going to make Harry's day miserable. Wanna help?" most people would just stare but at least Luna isn't most people.

"Sure." she agreed. Together we began plotting.

In the Gryffindor dorm, Harry shivered.

* * *

><p><strong>And the rest is up to your imagination!<strong>

**-Khorale**


	10. Operation make Potter miserable

**Title: **Letter adventures

**Author: **Khorale

**Chapter:** 10, Operation make Potter miserable**  
><strong>

**Rating:** K+

**Genre: **Humor & Adventure

**Character(s): **Voldemort, somebody, me(taa-daa!), Sirius Black (kidnapped), Harry (cat), Luna (author note)

**Pairings:** none at the moment

**Reviews: **18/81

**Words: **467

**Disclaimer: **If I own Harry Potter, I'd give Harry some special powers.

**Summery: **Watch as Voldie juggle the responsibilities of death eaters, letters, and visits from the author all at once! Slight Voldie OOC

**Author's note:** Hiya people! Just a little break from my visit. The Ravenclaw commonroom have a COMPUTER! I wonder where they got that. So here I am typing. I'll write the rest of my visit later, when I'm not busy right now. Luna's currently laughing evilly. Is that a good sign?

* * *

><p>Dear Voldemort,<p>

I... killed your cat.

...Wait, that wasn't your cat? ...

...Well, er. This is awkward. But, while I'm here, did you know Sirius Black is not dead? Psh. No. He's in HIDING. Like... Like Elvis! And Daughtry! And Michael Jackson (I actually don't care if he's in hiding or not...). And don't forget YOU for like 16 years... Or was it 11? The public wasn't officially aware of you coming back out of hiding for a few years after you did, so, excuse me on my incorrect dates.

You give Elvis, Daughtry, and Sirius Black fans alike HOPE. Hope that our beloved singers, bands, and shaggy black dogs will one day reveal themselves to the world once more.

SIRIUS, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, JUST KNOW THAT I AND MANY OTHERS HAVE AGREED NOT TO PUT YOU BACK IN AZKABAN WHERE YOU CLEARLY DON'T BELONG IF YOU COME OUT OF HIDING. AND KNOW THAT WE ARE NOT FOOLED INTO THINKING THAT A STUPID CURTAIN COULD HAVE ROBBED YOU OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL LIFE. WE HAVE NOT LOST HOPE!

Sincerely,

I Kidnapped Sirius Black (and may have also killed your cat... are you sure that wasn't you cat?)

* * *

><p><em>Dear I kidnapped Sirius Back<em>

_I don't care about Black. But here's the description of the cat: black fur , green eyes, magical, and very intelligent._

_Is it like that?_

_If it is, then congrats, you killed Potter for me! He got turned into a cat last week from a poisoning attempt from Severus. (With a little... help from the author as she promised me last chapter. Heheheheh)  
><em>

_-Voldie_


	11. Your life story

**Title: **Letter adventures

**Author: **Khorale

**Chapter:** 11, your life story**  
><strong>

**Rating:** K+

**Genre: **Humor & Adventure

**Character(s): **Voldemort, Alexa Blaze, JK Rowling

**Pairings:** none at the moment

**Reviews: **18/81

**Words: **467

**Disclaimer: **If I own Harry Potter, I'd give Harry some special powers.

**Summery: **Watch as Voldie juggle the responsibilities of death eaters, letters, and visits from the author all at once! Slight Voldie OOC

**Author's note:** The past days are... interesting. Luna thankfully stopped acting crazy and my first lessons are: Charms, Herbology, Potions (ugh...), and DADA. I don't think Snape treated Ravenclaws worse than Gryffindors, but at least he ignored me. Yet another priviledge of being an author! =)

I find it strange that the DADA teacher had a mask on. It's painted black, and it looks like an animal... I must look into this later. So here's today's letter!

* * *

><p>Dear Voldemort,<p>

What do you think of that muggle J. K. Rowling telling everyone your life story in her books and the movies based upon them? Do you like the fact that now everybody knows what happened to you and what you've been up to?

Sincerely,

Alexa Blaze

* * *

><p><em>Dear Alexa Blaze<em>

_While I'd love to hunt her down, she's still the author (and I don't mean Khorale) of us, and without her, we wouldn't even exist!_

_Ps Don't you dare tell her I said that!_

_-Voldie_


	12. some advises are better off not followed

**Title: **Letter adventures

**Author: **Khorale

**Chapter:** 12, some advises are better off not followed**  
><strong>

**Rating:** K+

**Genre: **Humor & Adventure

**Character(s): **Voldemort

**Pairings:** none at the moment

**Reviews: **21/81

**Words: **48

**Disclaimer: **If I own Harry Potter, Voldemort 's voice won't be so high pitched. He sounds like a girl that way.

**Summery: **Watch as Voldie juggle the responsibilities of death eaters, letters, and visits from the author all at once! Slight Voldie OOC

**Author's note:** I'm having questions about the DADA teacher's sanity, or lack thereof.

So he heavily favors Gryffindors and hates Slythrins. He totally worships me and had built a shrine for me in the middle of the great hall. He bails Gryffindors out of detention for no reason than being annoying, AND he had pranked practically everyone in Hogwarts at least once (except me, being an author and such..)

Oh, and did I mention that his mask has two floppy ears at the side? (also black)

* * *

><p>dear moldy-wart: what do i do when my crush likes my best friend? p. a tan,paley!<p>

* * *

><p><em>Dear <em>

_Kill them both. Love makes you weak, you're better off without it. _

_-Voldemort_


	13. Are you Hitler?

**Title: **Letter adventures

**Author: **Khorale

**Chapter:** 13, are you Hitler?**  
><strong>

**Rating:** K+

**Genre: **Humor & Adventure

**Character(s): **Voldemort, Allison L

**Pairings:** none at the moment

**Reviews: **22/81

**Words: **243

**Disclaimer: **If I own Harry Potter, Voldemort 's voice won't be so high pitched. He sounds like a girl that way.

**Summery: **Watch as Voldie juggle the responsibilities of death eaters, letters, and visits from the author all at once! Slight Voldie OOC

**Author's note:** Harry and co. are also getting intrested in the DADA teacher, which means I just have to follow them and then the mystery would be solved by the end... eventually.

* * *

><p>moldy,<p>

why do you have such a ridiculous outlook on the world? i mean, the muggle world is horrible but the wizarding world is wonderful...why so much anger? and why do you not try putting your energies to better stuff...like killing dark wizards instead of becoming one (aka aurors) tho they'd probably crucio you to death before you ever asked for the job position by one. i mean, honestly, you're like hitler now. and that's one of the biggest insults from a muggle that hates communism and WW2 (tho i think you're too stupid to realize that, coming off all the other letters.) plus, why do you have no patience?

Allison L.

P.S HA HA CAN'T CRUCIO ME CUZ I'LL JUST DODGE IT AND YOU DUNNO WHERE I LIVE SO HA! i'm serious, i've dodged quite a few things before, so i'm really good at dodgeball. and crucios don't scare me, you slimeball. no, you horrible stinkin' hairless useless mass of profanity. HA.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Allison L.<em>

_Muggle killings are fun, don't make me stop that. Also, good little wizards tends to disagree with my point of view while the darker side supports it. Noticed why I'm dark? And, I do have patience! I waited thirteen f*****g years as a spirit! Thirteen years! You call that lack of patience?_

_-Voldemort_


	14. DADA teacher revealed!

"Did you find anything?" Harry asked Hermione.

I groaned in the corner of the library. They had a perfect way of finding out but WHY COULDN'T THEY JUST FIGURE IT OUT? But luckily, I planned to give them a few clues.

"Hey Harry. Do you need something?" I asked, strolling toward them.

"We're in need of figuring out someone's identity. You're the author, can't you just tell us?" said Hermione.

I shook my head. "Nah... that'll take the fun outta things. But did you remember to check up upon the marauder's map?"

Both of their eyes widened. "I haven't even thought of that!" Ron exclaimed and the golden trio dashed off into the Gryffindor dormitory.

I quietly followed them, phasing through the wall (since I'm an author, I'm like a god amongst characters!I can do anything!)

The trio's faces were pressed together -they looked so cute like this!- and they scanned feverently through the map.

"Search for an unfamiliar name!"

"But half the students here are unfamiliar!"

"Check the DADA office them!"

Suddenly Harry went pale and fainted.

It was not a scar-induced faint. It was just shock, so don't worry about them.

Ron and Hermione looked worriedly at their friend, then scanned the map for the name.

"No way..." Ron gasped.

"I thought he was dead!" said Hermione

The name of the DADA teacher was...

Sirius Black.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's note: As tempting it was to end here, I know that the length of the chapter is too short, so... here you go!<strong>

* * *

><p>The golden trio called upon the dumbledore's army and together they raced through the hall to reach the DADA teacher's office.<p>

Harry threw open the door and stormed inside. I reached up and plucked the black dog mask of Sirius. Harry fumed (As to why Sirius had not revealed himself as soon as the first lesson). Hermione stared. Ron was hungry. Luna ignored everyone. Cho blushed. Seamus shrugged. Neville comforted Harry.

"I'll leave you to your peaceful reunion, but I've gotta go." I said, looking at my magic-proof watch. I have to meet with Voldie and his friends today.

"They're not my friends!"

Hm. He heard me.

I created a portal and said "Au revoir, guys."

I rematerialized inside Voldie's studio.

He glared at me. "They're my followers! I have no friends."

"That's not the conversation. So do you know that Sirius was alive after the prophecy incident?"

"Yes. I was informed in one of my letter that he/she/they kidnapped Black. That was my first clue to him being alive. Upon further investigation, I found that Black used the situation of being 'dead' to full use, sneaking in to teach in Hogwarts to guard Potter from me. The only people who knew his identity are Dumbledore and myself."

I nodded. "So now Harry's gonna beat him into a pulp for making him grieve for nothing?

MEANWHILE...

Stepping away from a bloodied and bruised Sirius, Harry noticed everyone staring at him. They backed away slowly and Harry could only sweatdrop.

_Why does this have to happen to me?_


	15. Bad elves

Author's note: um, quite busy right now. School's starting soon (I'm in high school). Sorry for not updating so long!

* * *

><p>Dearest Dark Lord, sir,<p>

The truth is., I'm not really Mistress Bellatrix. I'm her house-elf, you see? And she's been telling me to ask the questions I've asked you.

*gasp*

I'm a bad house elf! *starts hitting my head at the nearby closet* Mistress Bellatrix would kill me. She might even Crucio me first, before she Avada Kedavra me.

She told me that I should speak to you in a very respectable

Manner, because you are the greatest wizard of all time, and you can do things better than the filthy half-blood Potter, and the old man DUMBledore.

I'm going to tell Mistress Bellatrix your reply, soon. I think she loves you more than her husband, even her life.

*gasp* I've done it again! Bad house elf!

Sincerely,

Absolutely not Bellatrix

* * *

><p><em>Dear absolutely not Bellatrix<em>

_Tell her that I do NOT love her back and she should stop chasing me!_

_PS Can you deliver this boquet of flowers to her? I er... apriciated her um... devotion and her... a...loyalty to me over the years..._

_PPS THE FLOWERS DOES **NOT **MEAN THAT I LOVE HER! DON'T YOU DARE THINK OTHERWISE!_

_-Lord Voldemort_


	16. Goldilocks

Dear Goldilocks,

Are you a fan of My Chemical Romance? 'Cause you're the most emo thing I've ever seen.

Sincerely,

I'm-not-Harry-so-don't-bother

* * *

><p><em>Dear INHSDB<em>

_I don't know what you mean by goldilocks or chemical romances, but I'm NOT emo!_

_-Voldemort_


	17. Why are you evil?

voldemort,

i hate you. why are you evil? and what's with the stupid brain? do you not understand love? did you get dropped on your head?

bye

Allison L.

p.s YOU CAN'T FIND ME! HA! CUZ I'MA MUGGLE AND THERE'S A LOTTA THEM! XD

* * *

><p><em>Dear ASllison L.<em>

_Why am I evil, you ask? It's in the job description, get over it._

_-Voldemort_


	18. The rocketship

Hiya people! Sorry for the lack of update! I'm busy with all the homework and all... I know this is a bit short, but the better letters (Hey, it rhymed!) are already posted, and I'm rapidly running out. I'll post a note when I run out of letters, 'kay?

* * *

><p>Dear Voldemort,<p>

Did you ever give Draco his rocketship? I'm sure the technology is available now.

From, obsessivegirl73

* * *

><p><em>Dear obsessivegirl73<em>

_I will NOT touch any muggle technology!_


	19. Some Malfoy fashion advice

Dear the Dark Lord,

I just wanted to tell you, that your command may be more effective if you grew eithe a mustache or long platinum blonde hair like me. No one can resist me.

Sincerely,

Lucius Malfoy, the guy with hair

* * *

><p><em>Dear Lucius Malfoy<em>

_What a wonderful idea!_

..._not  
><em>

_Seriously, you look like a girl when you keep flicking your hair like you're in a shampoo advertizement. Though it'll do good for Bellatrix, tame that wild hair of hers_

_-You-know-who_


	20. Have you seen any of the movies?

Dear Voldie,

Are you going to see the new Harry Potter film? You know, the one where you die? Have you seen ANY of the films? And have you read the books?

Sincerely,

Lexi Blaze

* * *

><p><em>Dear Lexi Blaze<em>

_Don't make fun of my failure! It's not my fault that brat seems to have a goddess of luck on his side!_

_And don't you dare tell me I deserve my death_

_-Voldemort  
><em>


	21. What do you do when you catch Potter?

Dear Voldemort,

I have discovered some ways that might help when you capture Potter.

1. Tie him to a chair and force him to watch hours of Rebecca Black, Justin Bieber ( or any other muggle singer), and nyan cat.

2. Force him to read fanfictions about him and Draco making out.

3. Force him to read My Immortal.

4. Tazers and Paintball never hurt either.

Hope this helps! Keep staying awesome!

-Swimpro737

P.S. Twilight torture is good to.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Swimpro 737<em>

_I would just outright kill him. His mind is tough, so the torture just increase the time he has to think up a plan and escape. Now here are my thoughts on your... methods._

_ would just sleep through it all, with earplugs!_

_2. Probably affective, might do some brain damage. And that's not good, since we share minds._

_3. Good idea, though I have no idea where that particular fanfic is. I don't care where it is either._

_4. The darn boy survived through worse than that! You should thank his relatives for that, by the way._

_-Voldemort_


	22. Crucio for you too

Dear Voldykins,

AVADAKADAVRA!

p.s iF THAT DIDN'T WORK...CRUCIO!

pps hi khorale! I'm In ravenclaw too!

* * *

><p><em>Dear <span>_<span>_

_Yeah yeah... crucio for you too... I'm tired right now... and sleepy... so much paperworks... and letters  
><em>

_zzzzzzz..._

_-voldemort  
><em>


	23. Some support at last

Dear the Dark Lord,

I read these, and I cannot stand to listen to these filthy Muggles insult you like this. Just so you know, my lord, I will support you, through and through.

Sincerely,

Bellatrix Lestrange.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Bella<em>

_I'm glad somebody agreed to my ideals, instead of everyone else who antagonizes me severely._

_Lord Voldemort_


	24. Who'd you kiss?

dear really cute dark lord,

are you a virgin?

your supermegasexy and and do you have a girlfriend?

if not wanna go out sometime?

love the outfit,

CharkO.

P.S WOULD YOU RATHER KISS BELLATRIX OR HARRY POTTER(SUICIDE NOT AN OPTION)dear really cute dark lord,

* * *

><p><em>Dear CharkO<em>

_Yes, I am a virgin. People fear me too much to get close to me. Though I was very handsome in my Tom Riddle days that fangirls would try to rape me. Not that they succeeded, of course. I do not have a girlfriend, so bug off!_

_PS. Bella, of course. I'm not gay, if you're asking. Potter is most defiantly a boy._

_-Voldemort_


	25. Abracadabra!

Dearest Moldyshorts,

I believe I know why the Elder Wand blew up on you. You said "ABADAKADABRA!" instead of "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

While both are similar, "ABADAKADABRA" is very closely related to the muggle saying "Abra Cadabra" and, while created for sheer nonsensical amusement for the more IGNORANT of the illiterate thugs who can't tell a good book from twilight (Doesn't deserve capitalization), can easily be destructive if pronounced incorrectly, with power being pushed into it... Hope this gets to you!

Enjoy!

Hannah

PS. Ravenclaw house too! I channel my inner Luna... Need I say more?

* * *

><p><em>Dear Hannah<em>

_Silly Muggle... I have spoken the same curse over and over again as years passed. It's even known as my signature move! How can I not pronounce it right? So your argument is invalid. Try again._

-_Voldie_


	26. Are you an eunuch?

**Hi! Nice to see ya after so long! Frankly, nobody reviewed anymore so the letters stopped. And then I was concentrated on my other work. The seasons of change, I believe was the name.**

* * *

><p>Dear Voldie,<p>

Are you an eunuch?

-anonymous

* * *

><p><em>Dear anonymous,<em>

_HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF SUCH! MY BALLS ARE CLEARLY ATTACHED TO M-_

_Did I said that out loud?_

_..._

_Yes I did._

_-Voldie_


	27. Riddle me This

dear mouldywart,

'Riddle' me this

I have a mouth that cannot speak

I have a bed but do not sleep

Harry could answer it, but the, he can do lots that you can't...

yours smugly

flaming insolence

* * *

><p><em>Dear flaming insolence,<em>

_It's a..._

_..._

_Mute Vampire! (Those ones from Twilight that doesn't sleep, ever.)_

_It's either that or a river. _

_-Voldie  
><em>


	28. Pronounciation problems

Dear Voldy,

It's Hannah again... You know the one who accused you of mispronunciation? It's ok, you can say the same phrase over and over, but in a moment, with anger, or some other emotion, can twist your mouth into an odd shape, creating a different sound. Just so you know.

And by the way?

I have a silver-snitch-watch-locket-thing. Who has the invalid argument now?

Hannah.

PS. God, too many of these. Anyways. I have Ravenclaw earrings too. And six wands. So they can't keep track. Because I am epic like that.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Hannah,<em>

_I mostly keep a level head in battle, and hadn't you read the last book? I clearly pronounced it right._

_Destroy the locket. It's a fake._

_The Snitch too._

_-Voldie  
><em>


	29. Can I join?

Dear Dark Lord:

I want to a Death Eater, BUT my parents will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever let me. Help! I am a Slyther-Claw, if you were wondering. Not that it matters.

Regards,

Emma

* * *

><p><em>Dear Emma<em>

_As long as you're no spy, you're in! Just try and hide it from your parents. _

_PS, Ravenclaws have high intelligence. So that's okay._

_-Lord Voldemort  
><em>


	30. Movie and Horcruxes

Dear Supermegafoxyawesomehot Voldie,

I'm back! I asked about the horcrux cookie remember? I have more questions.

1. This isn't really a question but I cried when you died in the last movie. You were better then Harry.

2. How are you still writing letter if I saw you die in the last Harry Potter movie?

3. Did you create more horcruxes? Clever voldie.

4. Can I please be a death eater! Please!

Stay awesome and not dead!

-Swimpro737

* * *

><p><em>Dear Swimpro737<em>

_I never watched the movie, any of them. The books are more accurate. And I appreciate the concern over my well-being. And who says I'm not dead? I could be in the afterlife right now, writing this. I could also be in an alternative universe, where the war was dragging on._

_If you want to be a death eater, feel free. But the consequences of betraying me is death, remember that._

_As for Horcruxs... I did have one or two left, but I'm not going to tell anyone. And since Potter doesn't have his scar, he can't pinpoint where they are! Muahahahaa!_

_-Lord Voldemort_


	31. Recruitment houses

**AN: wow, I havent answered in a while! Sorry! I was using an ipad to type things out and found it neary impossible to copy something in the review page! Thankfully, I found a loophole and so here it is!**

* * *

><p>Dear Voldemort,<p>

How would you react if a Hufflepuff FOUND it necessary to become a Death Eater?

~obsessivegirl73

* * *

><p><em>Dear obsessivegirl73<em>

_Minions are minions. I would welcome any house except Griffindor._

_-Dark lord Voldemort._


	32. What's a Twihard?

Dear Voldikins,

I have just had a disturbing thought: In one of your previous letters you mentioned Twilight...could it be that you are a-a-a... A TWIHARD?

Yours (very) anxiously)

Flaming Insolence x

* * *

><p><em>Dear flaming insolence<em>

_A...what? I have never hears of such a thing before! And I am not a vampire, even though I'm pale, have red eyes, and wear black._

_I don't sparkle either._


	33. Not an idiot

Dear voldy-bubba

It's me again. I have a suggestion! Why not make something insignificant or small like a piece of gravel a horcrux (auto-correct that IS a word!)? It would be a lot harder to find!Also, to make a horcrux TECHNICALLY you don't have to kill a person, you could squish an ant or something. Why didn't you think of that, it would have been much easier and you wouldn't have been so conspicuous! *cough youareanidiot cough*

Your annoyingly

Flaming insolence (again)

* * *

><p><em>Dear Flaming Insolence (again)<em>

_You don't think I haven't tried that already? Sadly, ants or other non-human beings don't have the type of soul nessicary for a horcrux._

_And no, a piece of rock is unworthy for a place to put a Dark Lord's soul in!_

_Just blame my sense for fancy things._

_PS, I. Am. NOT. An. Idiot!_

_-voldemort_


	34. Call me Voldemort

Dear... Lord Voldemort(?),

I also have a rather long name, and an individual I am forced to associate with, a "companion" of mine if you will, refuses to call me by it, instead calling my by a shortened form, which I don't like. I was wondering if you have ever had such a difficulty and if you advise doing anything about it. I offered to let him call me "Fred", but the annoying fool insists.

Sincerely,

Please analyse the object for radiation leaks.

* * *

><p><em>Dear <em>_please analyse the object for radiation leaks._

_You have a really weird name.  
><em>

_But yes, I do have a similar problem.  
><em>

_You see, in my Hogwarts days, I was called 'Tom'. And now that I changed my name, certain people STILL call me that! I told them over and over again to call me Voldemort, but they wouldn't listen.  
><em>

_Three guesses to whom.  
><em>

_-Voldemort  
><em>


	35. I am cute

Dear Moldy Voldie, I was just wondering...WHY THE H #$ DO YOU NOT LOVE ME BACK? DAMNIT, WHY ARE YOU SO...F# ING CUTE!...I can't stay mad...

A DeathEater(Shh, but I'm bellatrix)

P.S...can we change the group name?

P.P.S HOW DARE THAT MUGGLE EVEN TALK TO YOU!

P.P.P.S...I'm not wearing any "socks"...(hinty-hint)

* * *

><p><em>Dear<span> Bellatrix<span>_

_I am cute, bear with it.  
><em>

_PS. That depends...  
><em>

_PPS, I am glad for your concern, and have already crucio'd the muggle.  
><em>

_PPPS, ...ew.  
><em>


	36. Hobo

Dear My Lord,

What would you do if you had the chance to tell Mr. Stupid Dumbleydork that he was a hobo?

From,

A Person who likes Snape and Voldemort (As in the idolizing category)

PS: Did you know that Potter's a Horcrux? I'm messing up the timeline, but it's still useful information to know. You killed Lily and James Potter, and once you tried to kill Harry Potter, the curse rebounded, ripping part of your soul and it latched onto Harry.

* * *

><p><em>Dear A Person who likes Snape and myself,<em>

_Haha, wish I got the chance. Too bad I'm still busy with paperwork and trying to track down Nagini.  
><em>

_Speaking of Nagini... I haven't heard any news about her for a while.  
><em>

_PS, yes, I do know Potter's a horcrux, which is why I never actually killed him even though I got many chances to. And I used the connection to send him dreams.  
><em>


	37. Author's letter

Dear Voldie,

Hi, it's me again!

Have you heard?! NAGINI IS RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR!

You can thank me later for that little info.

~Khorale

* * *

><p>Dear Author,<p>

WHAT?!

I will go catch her now!

PS, My thanks.

-Lord Voldemort


	38. Spiked tea

**Hi!**

**As you may or may not have noticed, I have updated two chapters at once! It's an apology for waiting so long to updTe!**

* * *

><p>Outside the door, Voldie could hear hissing laughter.<p>

He sat up and drew his wand, approaching Nagini silently.

Apparating would be too loud, and Nagini could dodge spells well. For the first time, Voldie cursed himself for training his snake so well.

He jumped after Nagini, stepping on her back and quickly tied her into a knot. (Don't ask me how he did that -.-;)

The serpent hissed loudly, her tongue flickering and her fangs bared. Quickly, she disappeared from a blue flash of light that Voldie knew too well.

"Portkey." He growled, and stormed off.

* * *

><p>It was by the time he finished his piles of letters that Voldie knew something was wrong.<p>

Nagini had to be here for something, and that something is-

"Where did my tea go?"

* * *

><p>D<strong>e<strong>a**r **e**x**-**m**a**s**t**e**r

**I** s**t**o**l**e **y**o**u**r **t**e**a**, **s**p**i**k**e**d **i**t**, **t**h**e**n** g**a**v**e** i**t** t**o L**u**c**i**u**s **M**a**l**f**o**y**!**

**P**.**S**. **Y**o**u** w**i**l**l **f**i**n**d** o**u**t **t**h**e **e**f**f**e**c**t**s **i**n** a** m**i**n**u**t**e.**

* * *

><p>Just then, the door burst open and Lucius burst in.<p>

He threw himself at Voldie and hung there.

Voldemort saw his glazed eyes and reddened cheeks, and said, "Bellatrix, take Malfoy back to his room and don't let him out until the love potion wears off."

His most faithful servant came, but was unable to pull Lucius off.

"You should take him to his room then, my lord." said Bellatrix.

Voldie blanched, "No! Not while he's under the effects of the potion! Who knows what he'll do once we're alone in there!"

Bella agreed.

"CRUCIO!"

Lucius yelped, and let go of Voldie. Bella then stuffed him inside a bag and threw him into his bedroom.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Nagini,<em>

_I will come for my revenge! Just wait and see!  
><em>

_You will rue the day you opposed your master!  
><em>

_-Lord Voldemort  
><em>


	39. Bye bye and good riddance

Dear Readers.

You might have expected this, or you might have not. Anyways, after not being updated for so long, I don't even know what to do with this story anymore.

I'm not good at handling sequels, and I haven't read Harry Potter in a long time - hell, not even a fanfiction!

So anyways, lately I'm spamming more stories than my updating rate, and waited and waited, but inspiration for this never came.

Blah blah blah... Excuses.

Ahem.

Voldie's dead. He went off a week ago and got turned into a teddy bear. True story.

And that's why he's not here right now, writing this particular letter to you.

In fact, I snuck into his castle, defeated all the death eaters, and took over this. Teddy Bear Voldie is now in my posession! Muahahahaha!

And I'm not giving him back! Bleeeeh.

...

I'm serious, godammit!

Erm, to in a nutshell - This story is now complete.

Bye!

~Khorale


End file.
